Happy, erm, anniversary, Romeo & Juliet.

A toast! Yours was a marriage never meant to last. Hope the wedding night was fun, though.

According to three bizarro Web references (one, two, three), Romeo and Juliet’s wedding anniversary is today. Probably. None of them ever provide any evidence of this (and one of the commentors refutes it), so probably it’s not true at all. But when do you ever get to raise a glass in the name of the tragic whiny couple who were silly enough to kill themselves over their parents’ “Keep up with the Jones” obsessions? Never. So I’m going to give this one a Mulligan and say, “Happy anniversary Romeo & Juliet!”

In the name of our dear hero and heroine, let’s take a moment and look at some excerpts from the play.

“What fray was here?
Yet tell me not, for I have heard it all.
Here’s much to do with hate, but more with love.”
— Romeo, Act I, Scene I, line 176-178

Translation: “Damn, Benvolio, can’t you all keep your swords in their hilts? I mean seriously, they’re not that much richer than we are.  … Stop it, Benvolio. I meant like regular swords. Shut up.”

“I have night’s cloak to hide me from their eyes;
And but thou love me let them find me here.
My life were better ended by their hate
Than death proroguèd, wanting of thy love.”
— Romeo, Act 2, Scene 2, lines 75 -78

Translation: “Dear Shakespeare, I hereby give you permission to kill me in the end as long as I get hitched with Juliet. Later you can call it ‘foreshadowing. Love, Romeo'”

“Gentle nurse;
I pray thee leave me to myself tonight;
For I have need of many orisons
To move the heavens to smile upon my state,
Which, well thou knowest, is cross and full of sin.”
— Juliet, Act 4, Scene 3, lines 1-5

Translation: “I’m too old to have a nurse. Seriously, just to be left alone and take a huge horse tranquilizer would be pretty sweet.”

Note here: If this girl is 14 and wanting all kinds of alone time, most mothers/babysitters would be worried that she’s up to no good. How did old Nursey miss the signs? No tween girl is ever going to be this pious.

“O true apothecary!
Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.”
— Romeo, Act 5, Scene 3, lines 179-180

Translation: “I did not think this through.”

“Where be these enemies? Capulet, Montague,
See what a scourge is laid upon your hate,
That heaven finds means to kill your joys with love.”
— The Prince, Act 5, Scene 3, lines 291 – 293

Translation: “Y’all are idiots. You totally deserve this.”

I’m pretty sure that’s about how it goes. Mostly. Shakespeare is probably a little pissed off right now, but after all, this is not for him. This is for his pathetic teenage star-crossed lovers on their anniversary. Congratulations on the marriage, you two. Here’s to foolish teenage love immortalized by bad parental decisions.

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